Why Bush is only a Shrub
(my rant on the stupidity of the democratic demon)
 
            Long have Americans been bombarded with newscast upon newscast of the war on terror…terror caused by supposed terrorists from foreign countries; aliens whose only aim is to crush the American dream (as if America hasn’t crushed it already). “Take cover and be very weary of people that do not look like you.” But what exactly is this war about, who initiated it, and how is this war being waged? So far, President Bush has decided that any Middle Eastern man wielding a Quran, praising the name of God and demanding the right to a decent life classifies as a terrorist. A threat, if you will, to the American public. This threat must be eliminated at all costs to protect the freedom of the American people. We must preserve our right to not have a right. Bush did win the presidency. Did he not? Nevertheless, the topic most concerning America is establishing a perimeter in which Americans can safely live bubbled off from the world with a few exceptions of limited world trade. In order to establish such a place, a preemptive strike was taken shortly after 9/11. Afghanistan was blown to a thousand pieces with its mountains turned to craters in search of a man under the name of Osama Bin-Laden.
            In October of 2001, welcoming missiles hit Afghani soil announcing the arrival of the American aide to weed out the evil of the world (otherwise known as Osama Bin-Laden). For months on end, American bunker busters, missiles and rockets littered the sky in search of this man. Needless to say, countless innocent lives were the price to pay for a search which turned out empty-handed. Don’t worry, though. They weren’t American lives so no need to care. Five thousand explosions and several Al Jazeera news reports later, American soldiers came back with nothing more than empty gun cartridges and a quenched thirst for blood. What they left behind was a lot more important. Afghanistan never had much of a government to unite the country. Al-Qaeda was the only governing force that kept the Afghani people in check. As strict as it was, the system worked and proved to keep a modest level of peace in the country. Peace no longer existed in that part of the world but that was not an issue for Bush. He had other plans.
            Bush was taking heavy blows for not coming up with Bin-Laden. Furthermore, he couldn’t even come up with leads to his arch enemy. So to dodge the media and give them a new shiny object to look at, he decided to change focus from Afghanistan to another country. This country needed to be one that had a military strength equivalent to a high school football team. The country also needed a face that everyone could hate. The perfect candidate: Saddam Hussein. As an added benefit, after the country is bombed flat, America could help “rebuild” it and attain free oil as a small fee (collect $200 as you pass GO). There was no time to waste. 
            Bush Jr.: “Hey dad, why did you leave Iraq intact?”
            Bush Sr.: “Well son, I didn’t want to f*ck up the presidency. That’s why. But you know what? You

            sound?”
            Bush Jr.: “That sounds great!”
            Bush Sr.: “So what are you going to do?”
            Bush Jr.: “Going to stay the course.”
Bush decided to pull out the age old “he’s a bad man, kill that bastard” technique. Not surprisingly, the American public bought into the idea. They all overlooked the fact that Bush’s previous military campaign was a complete failure and his next one was about to be a far greater one. Bush Sr. had previously made an attack on Iraq on the premise that Saddam was invading a sovereign state. Son had to follow in his father’s footsteps. Problem was, he tripped.
            Bush decided that Iraq had to be invaded and the ousting of Saddam was imperative. He felt he needed to finish the job his father had left open years before. However, there was no justified reason to enter a sovereign state and reinstate a new government for that land. This proved to be a problem for the Bush administration. They had a war plan ready, but no way to wage the war. Congress made a point of not entering a war without a fully just cause and the backing of world powers. So then the rallying support of American allies was called for; a call that went primarily unanswered. For the most part, the rest of the world thought it wise to leave Iraq alone and not tamper with foreign relations. Bush, not being able to use simple judgment, saw this as blasphemy. He still needed a reason to attack Iraq. Enter UN weapons inspectors—stage right. The inspectors scoured Iraq and found absolutely nothing of importance. What they did find, however, was…also…nothing important. Buildings where bombs could be stored and/or produced or delivered were “found” in various places. Anyone with the slightest common sense (no, Bush is not included in this category) would realize that any American backyard could also classify as an ideal place to store weapons. With the help of linguists and propaganda experts, Bush was able to launch a campaign that rallied him nationwide support. Using the American flag like a carrot to a donkey and the attacks of 9/11 as morale leverage, Bush had a war plan working is way. Congress still did not buy into this strategy.
            What congress had in mind was slightly more valuable. Congress had nothing better to do so what congress did was wisely decide to hold an important meeting in which to ingeniously rename French fries to freedom fries. By doing so, Americans would notice how ignorant the French people were into not lending a hand in the effort towards war. The name change didn’t do any good (yet we lost countless dollars for important white men to tell us what name to call fast food by). Ironically, if anyone was smart enough to logically apply the meaning change he or she would notice the equivalency of freedom to French. The name change, if logically applied, supported the French decision. Congress could not rename the fries to anti-war fries or…illegitimate ally fries. After all, no one would want to buy ‘illegitimate ally’ fries. Sales would go down and McDonald’s revenue would slip. This would cause a shortage of change for corporate owners and in turn lower wages for congressmen.
            Son: “Are you suggesting congress takes bribes from wealthy people to pass laws?”
            Father: “No, no. It’s called lobbying”
So now that French fries were freedom fries, the world was safe from anymore terrorist attacks or evil villains. Thank you, congress. You have spent tax dollars sensibly.
            Speaking of tax dollars, the economy at this stage was still in shambles after the tech crash, leaving a level of unemployment California had never dreamt of seeing. To make things better, Bush tried to play the roll of Robin Hood. His tax cuts took money from the poor and gave to the rich (one would think it would work the other way around). This didn’t do any good to the economy whatsoever. Bush was stumped. So the only remaining way to upgrade the economy was to produce for…that’s right…war. War needed high technology. Technology was on the low. Add technology to war. People should have jobs, right? Wrong. War technology companies already existed and did not need more employment to meet the war demand. So money poured in and bombs came out, but the economy didn’t budge. Now that people had no jobs, Bush decided to give their idle hands some work. It was time to send troops to Iraq.
            After playing chicken with Saddam, Bush finally threw a couple missiles into the air and said, “Boy, I’m going to save the world today, and nobody is going to stop me, I reckon.” With that, the American-Iraqi war started. Once again, many more innocent lives were painted on walls by bombs and shells blasted through the heart of the country. Iraqis fought back with the little strength they had. From what they knew of the past, America was only there to help itself. Once it had what it wanted, the helicopters would hover away, the tanks would leave and the only thing left would be…nothing really. On went the war. It wasn’t much of a war but rather a killing spree at the touch of a button. It might not be an exaggeration to say more bombs were used than bullets (instruction for bomb use: use generously). Still, with all the bombs and bullets that cut through the air, Saddam was nowhere to be found. His whole army was devastated and the man was out of sight. Finally, on December 14, Saddam was found in a ‘spider hole’ in rags with a bad shave. With Saddam captured, the only thing to do now was to take the oil. But doing so would require a reason to give the world when questioned. Iraq no longer had a government and so it needed some policing. This was the perfect chance for the US to stick around long enough to suck some oil out of Iraq. So Bush decided to “occupy” Iraq and help it form a new government under his careful eye.
            Stranger: “Hi I’m here to occupy your house.”
            Resident: “Oh, okay. Just make sure you don’t invade.”
Under Bush’s careful eye, hundreds of US soldiers lost their lives. Under Bush’s supervision, the new government that ironically mimicked the American regime is beginning to form. With its new flag that strikingly resembles its longtime nemesis and sworn enemy, Israel, Iraq is planned to become a role model for the Middle East not to give birth to anymore terrorists.
            “If you attack us again, we’re going to punish you like you never knew possible. We will make you

            become another America. Just look what we did to Iraq.”
It’s fair to say that once Iraq is stable again, America will not have any more problems with Middle Eastern men.