Today in class Mr. Lovas brought up discussion about the outlook each student has about our English 1C class. I sat there thinking about his approach to teaching and how I was adapting to this new style. In high school English classes were always driven by the teacher's agenda. We would have a discussion on a specific topic, a quiz to make sure you're up-to-date with the reading, in-class essay topics to respond to, and essay topic guidelines. The essays did have some leeway in that we were able to choose our own opinion and writing approach -- but still within the set topic options. What's new for me in this class is how I don't have anyone behind me telling me what to do every night for homework and what to write about. I have to search the motivation within myself to get things done. I agree with Mr. Lovas that students need to learn how to not only follow guidelines but also carry out their own paths of learning; setting their own guidelines, standards, goals. The consequence of not doing assignments in high school was that you would lose points on let's say a quiz or class activity. In our English class, if you don't do readings and assignments, the only consequence is the lack of enrichment in our own learning. He doesn't bind us to a point system and we're not constantly reminded of how many points you need out of the total to get the grade. Instead, the only option he gives us is to be responsible and carry out our own education in the classroom. Drive it with our own motives. This being new, (I haven't done this in any of the classes I've had here at De Anza yet), I'm adapting and realizing what I'd be losing if I didn't read, do assignments, and participate in discussions.

I received my first graded expressive paper back today. Interestingly, this morning I had a dream (I kid you not) where I received my expressive paper back with a score of 54/100. I think what might have caused such a nightmare was my reflection upon reading other students' papers (posted on their blogs). I was really impressed with the writing capabilities everyone had (who posted) and within each paper I began to see characteristics my paper lacked. Despite being my "expressive paper" I only expressed my views on the literary topic, none of which reflected my persona. True, the opinions reflect me, but I didn't really write anything that would leave the reader knowing something more about me as a person. I don't think I personalized it as much as I should--- no not should, wanted-- to. It didn't express me as a person. I was actually debating -- while writing the paper -- what would have been expected. This was wrong in the first place, since I should be writing without the thought of fulfilling what's expected by the teacher. Rather, I should have written with the intention of expressing myself through this literary work. I'm actually anticipating the next paper and the new approach I'm going to take. Expressive. -- the word itself has such a subjective, wide range of meanings. And I think that's where I had disagreement between what I want and what I thought was "expected." Anyway, it was reassuring to get the grade I earned.

And since I'm on the topic of my approach to this class I feel like writing about the areas of improvement I've been working on in my past English classes -- and that I still am working on. I understand that I haven't been participating much in the class discussions (the ones that involve the whole class). I'm not a very opinionated person when it comes to many issues. I continuously find myself sitting on the fence, able to go both ways -- whether I have a concrete reason or none at all. Usually discussions that involve social issues leave me in the dark since I can't decide which way I'd go. When it comes to discussions involving pieces of literature, though, I'm a bit more open since I can always find concrete examples to back myself up in my arguments. Although sometimes, even when I do have support to back my literary opinion, I get easily intimidated by other students. Not a good characteristic, I know. I've been working on it for a while. I noticed it sophomore year in high school when I would find myself debating whether or not to raise my hand for my two cents worth. I have a feeling that my English teacher that year (who was also the same teacher I had senior year for English AP)  and the English teacher I had junior year noticed I had trouble voicing my opinions out into the discussion and helped me complete my thoughts. What a waste to keep all these thoughts to myself. When I did speak in class I would usually write my thoughts down into coherent sentences before I spoke because if I didn't I'd easily be at a loss for words. This is still a trouble for me sometimes. I'll let it be known that this quarter, you'll find me having trouble putting thoughts together and coherently expressing them to the group. (It's so coherent in my mind, but so hard to express with words.) Please bear with me though. I'm bound to get things right soon.